Innerview: The Paradox of Hurting Ones who Love You
The lack of reciprocity is usually painful. This is where the paradox of hurting ones who love you comes in. Bigger hurt is caused when you are committed (or are endeavouring) and are taken for granted.
Funnily, when it comes to a relationship mutual attraction is the most highly valued characteristic especially when it is being nurtured. However, there is a deeper meaning to this.
The alpha is ready to be committed and expects a similar commitment from theta (or beta).
The lack of reciprocity or the knowledge that the person you love does not love you often leads to pain and humiliation. Over a period of time, it can be a profound blow to alpha’s self-esteem.
When we hurt one who is close to us, ultimately we hurt ourselves – because the guilt, regret and shame usually torment us long after the hurt is done.
The Paradox of This Phenomena is Common
The phenomenon of hurting the one who loves you, which is different from hurting the one you love, is common.
Profound love involves reciprocity, the lack of which is painful. For both sexes, mutual attraction is the most highly valued characteristic in a potential mate. The lover wants to be loved in return.
Some people hurt the one they love unintentionally, while others do so intentionally. The first behaviour pattern is easier to explain. The latter part is where the paradox exists.
Some Observations About the Paradox
My observations suggest when the theta want to distract themselves from their own issues, they attach themselves to the alpha and put all their energies into them. Hence, they avoid their own pain-causing issues.
This is on a subconscious state of mind, where the theta doesn’t even realize that they are avoiding or feeding their own insecurities. They will obviously never admit this ever.
So, why do we hurt the ones we love? Often, it’s because we’re scared of losing them. Our bad behaviour is a desperate attempt to try and reconnect with them.
Sticking around because theta wants to “be the reason for alpha’s changes” or become the reason for which the alpha wants to change also validates insecurity. Everyone wants to feel loved, needed, and important.
When this is seen in the light of a tumultuous romantic situation, there is a huge potential for a toxic downward spiral which is where the one being hurt loves the person hurting them.
The phenomenon of hurting without intending to do so can also be explained by referring to the trust and sincerity which are essential in love.
To heal such a relationship, theta needs to be aware of the toxicity, work on healing themselves, and move towards a more positive lifestyle and a relationship pattern.
The alpha who is hurt needs to find self-compassion and understand that they deserve better love, care, and understanding unless the theta comes around positively.
As sang Queen, “Love of my life, you hurt me; You’ve broken my heart, now you leave me.”
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